The field guide how to survive an addiction

November 4, 2022

Quietly I turned the lock flipped on the light switch and looked at the tiny window above the toilet. Yesh, phase one completed. 

I was alone. Okay, I lied. I wasn’t alone. 

Or well… I was practically alone but I had something with me. My catch. A sealed plastic bag weighing roughly about three kilos of pure ecstasy.

I was ready for phase two. Open the window too small for me to get through but big enough for the bag to squeeze out. I grabbed the bag and froze.

There was a knock on the door. “Jussi, you in there?” 

Damn, they’re on to me. “Yeah, mom I’ll be out in a minute.”

Close call. I counted to twenty, opened the window, dropped the bag and heard it land on the ground with a thump. Thump.

I closed the window and got out of the bathroom. Phase two completed.

Next, I proceeded to ask my dad who was sitting with my grandparents at the kitchen table if I could have the car keys. I pretended I had forgotten something in the car.

Car keys in tow and the smell of victory in my nose I slipped on my sneakers, went around the house to the side where the bathroom window was located and saw my priced bag glistening in the sun.

I grabbed it, went to the car and slipped it under the passenger seat. 

Then I went back in, returned the car key with a big smile on my face and got back to eating copious amounts of candy from the decorated glass bowls and jars sprinkled around the living room side tables.

You see my grandpa worked at a candy factory and there was no shortage of all kinds of sugary sweets around the house when we were around. 

To my parent’s great joy, I had developed nothing less of an addiction to this drug legal for kids and adults alike.

A few hours later we left my grandparent’s place and I could barely sit still knowing what was brewing under my seat.

Once we’d settled home and my parents and sisters were busy doing their thing, I grabbed the car key, sneaked into our trusty green Volkswagen Golf and pulled the bag out of my stash.

A mile-wide smile spread onto my face as I realized I had pulled off the biggest candy heist ever.

Now my smuggling days are over but ever since then I’ve been fighting the urge not to overdose on the sugar rush. 

So if you suffer from similar sugar-induced mania these are the rules you must abide by to survive your addiction in style. Rule 13 is ruthlessly effective.

Rule #3 never bring candy home from the store. This rule works beautifully if you live by yourself. However, if another person occupies your premises (who you can’t easily kick out) such as a spouse who can leave a half-eaten candy bag lying around for months this rule falls apart by the time you get home from the store. 

And that’s why you have rule 5: Tell your roommate to hide all sweets from you and in no circumstances tell you the location of their stash. Not even when your cravings hit you the hardest and you’re pleading for mercy on your soul.

Now if the above methods failed, like they did for me , it’s time to take out the big guns. 

The following rule never ever fails to disappoint (I’ve done empirical research with N 1, myself so this is based on solid evidence). 

Rule #13 [subsection d]: Dial your most trusted friend’s number and tell them you owe them $100 if you eat candy in the next thirty days. Do it now before your reptilian brain gets a whiff of your plan and comes up with all kinds of excuses why you shouldn’t do this. 

Stop it. Stop feeding the lizard and dial that number right now before it’s too late.

A black and white photo of the author Jussi's smiling face with shortcut hair and a short beard
plenty more loot in the vault

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